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Computer Chuckles |
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Computer Chuckles |
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| Help Desk | Nevermore | No Dogs | Dr.Seuss | Viruses | Who's WHO?! |
H E L P Desk 
"...Nevermore..."
| The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers |
| 20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows 95. 19. Fetch command not available on all platforms. 18. Hard to read the monitor with their head cocked to one side. 17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit. 16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail". 15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating. 14. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead giveaway that they are browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working. 13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee. 12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver. 11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging. 10. Oh, but they WILL...with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb. 9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome. 8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand... 7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software. 6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test. 5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, CUT and PASTE are out of the question. 4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever. 3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg. 2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms. |
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What if Dr. Seuss If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
wrote technical manuals?
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
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Ellen Degeneres virus..... Monica Lewinsky virus..... Titanic virus..... Disney virus..... Mike Tyson virus..... Prozac virus..... Sharon Stone virus..... Lorena Bobbit virus..... Tim Allen virus..... Woody Allen virus..... Saddam Hussein virus..... Tonya Harding virus..... George Michaels virus..... Joey Buttafuoco virus..... X-files virus..... Spice Girl virus..... Ronald Reagan virus..... Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus..... Sonny Bono virus..... Martha Stewart virus..... Oprah Winfrey virus..... AT&T virus..... MCI virus..... Arnold Schwarzenegger virus.....
Your PC suddenly claims it's a Mac
Sucks all the memory out of your computer
Makes your whole computer go down
Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Quits after one byte
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
Won't let you into any of your programs
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
Only attacks minor files
All your icons start shape-shifting
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored
Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
Just when you get surfing the web,
a firewall appears out of nowhere
Takes all your files, sorts them by category,
and folds them into cute little doilies
to be displayed on your desktop
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB,
then slowly expands to 300 MB
Every 3 minutes it tells you
what great service you are getting
Every 3 minutes it reminds you that
you're paying too much for the AT&T virus
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
IQ Test: Would you give these folks your money?
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| It's All in the Translation Boris Yeltsen, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates During dinner, God said, "I need the three most important people on Earth to deliver my message. Tomorrow, I will destroy the earth." Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and said, "I have two bad new items for you. God does exist, and tomorrow He will destroy the Earth." Clinton called an emergency meeting of Congress and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God does exist; the bad news is that tomorrow he is going to destroy the Earth."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft, called a meeting
of all his employees and said,
"I have two fantastic announcements: I am one of
the three |
