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*S* is  for  Stupid

*S* is for Stupid

Albert Einstein said: "Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity
and I'm not sure about the former."

 

#One Job-Related Injury:
You know the type...
Cranial-Rectal Inversion

 
...and when you have talked to one too many of these folks...
you might try one of these lines :
or describe them to others this way,
or you could Call a Doctor,
or even write to Dear Abby!

Rules for Writerers and if you ARE one of them,
here is the Rules for Writerers
Rules for Writerers

1.  Thank you.  We're all refreshed and challenged
by your unique point of view.

2.  The fact that no one understands you
doesn't mean you're an artist.

3.  I don't know what your problem is,
but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4.  Any connection between your reality
and mine is purely coincidental.

5.  I have plenty of talent and vision.
 I just don't give a damn.

6.  I like you.
 You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7.  What am I?  Flypaper for freaks!?

8.  I'm not being rude.
You're just insignificant.

9.  I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. Ahhh... I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again...

11.  I will always cherish
the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12.  It's a thankless job,
but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

13.  Yes, I am an agent of Satan,
but my duties are largely ceremonial.

14.  No, my powers can only be used for good.

15.  How about never?  Does never work for you?

16.  I'm really easy to get along with
once you people learn to worship me.

17.  You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

18.  Are you a f***ing ray of sunshine every day?

19.  I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

20.  I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

21.  I don't work here.  I'm a consultant.

22.  Who me?  I just wander from room to room.

23.  My toys!  My toys!
 I can't do this job without my toys!

24.  It might look like I'm doing nothing,
but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

25.  At least I have a positive attitude
about my destructive habits.

26.  You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

27.  I see you've set aside this special time
 to humiliate yourself in public.

28.  Someday, we'll look back on this,
laugh nervously and change the subject.

29.  If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

30.  I'll bet you think that reading
in the bathroom is considered Multi-Tasking.

31.  I like you... I'll kill you last...

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... you might describe them this way ...
 

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot
with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the Stupid tree
and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain cell,
it would die of isolation.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

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You are not the Only One who feels like this sometimes!

Call a Doctor !??

This is a collection from actual medical interview records
written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists,
and DOCTORS at two major hospitals!

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped
and cut and handed to the pediatrician,
who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals
that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast
and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most
of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be
able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly.
She also appears to be depressed.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills,
but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient was in his usual state of good health
until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today,
who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother,
father, and pet turtle, who is presently
enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area
and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and
reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative
except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room
she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male
lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient was to have a bowel resection.
However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

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Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY:
      I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

DEAR ABBY:
      I am a 23-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It is getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

DEAR ABBY:
      I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

DEAR ABBY:
      Our son writes that he is taking "Judo." Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own like that?

DEAR ABBY:
      A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
      -- CURIOUS

DEAR ABBY:
      I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

DEAR ABBY:
      My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for 2 1/2 years. He must be crazy!

DEAR ABBY:
      I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

DEAR ABBY:
      Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

DEAR ABBY:
      My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

DEAR ABBY:
      I met this nice guy who was in the service. He is the chief petting officer.

DEAR ABBY:
      Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago, and he is a doctor!

DEAR ABBY:
      This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband said, "I will," he knew very well he couldn't.

DEAR ABBY:
      I have been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he is going out with me just for what he can get?
      -- GERTIE
   DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting?

DEAR ABBY:
      My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend. Meanwhile, he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment? He says he is saving for a rainy day.
      -- FORTY YEARS HITCHED
   DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining!

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Brains get pickled in the Back Alley
Back Alley