Albert Einstein said: "Only two things are infinite,
#One Job-Related Injury:
1. Thank you. We're
all refreshed and challenged 2. The fact that no one understands you 3. I don't know what your problem is, 4. Any connection between your reality 5. I have plenty of talent and vision. 6. I like you. 7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 8. I'm not being rude. 9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 10. Ahhh... I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I will always cherish 12. It's a thankless job, 13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, 14. No, my powers can only be used for good. 15. How about never? Does never work for you? 16. I'm really easy to get along with 17. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 18. Are you a f***ing ray of sunshine every day? 19. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 20. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
21. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 22. Who me? I just wander from room to room. 23. My toys! My toys! 24. It might look like I'm doing nothing, 25. At least I have a positive attitude 26. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 27. I see you've set aside this special time 28. Someday, we'll look
back on this, 29. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. 30. I'll bet you think that reading 31. I like you... I'll kill you last...
... you might describe them this way ...
A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn't have all his cornflakes
in one box. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination
plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. Warning: Objects in mirror are
dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot He fell out of the Stupid tree An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain cell, Missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little. Slinky's kinked. Surfing in Nebraska. Too much yardage between the
goal posts.
Call a Doctor !?? This is a collection from actual medical interview records Exam of genitalia reveals The skin was moist and dry. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. The patient had waffles for breakfast She stated that she had been constipated for most Between you and me, we ought to be The patient has no past history of suicides. The patient refused an autopsy. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, The patient was in his usual state of good health I saw your patient today, The patient lives at home with his mother,
Bleeding started in the rectal area Both breasts are equal and She is numb from her toes down. Exam of genitalia was completely negative While in the emergency room The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. Examination reveals a well-developed male Patient was alert and unresponsive. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. The patient was to have a bowel resection. DEAR ABBY: DEAR ABBY: DEAR ABBY: DEAR ABBY: DEAR ABBY: DEAR ABBY: DEAR ABBY: DEAR ABBY: DEAR ABBY: DEAR ABBY: DEAR ABBY: DEAR ABBY: DEAR ABBY: DEAR ABBY:
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former."
Cranial-Rectal Inversion
...and when you have talked to one too many of these folks...
you might try one of these lines :
or describe them to others this way,
or you could Call a Doctor,
or even write to Dear Abby!
and if you ARE one of them,
here is the Rules for Writerers
by your unique point of view.
doesn't mean you're an artist.
but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
and mine is purely coincidental.
I just don't give a damn.
You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You're just insignificant.
the initial misconceptions I
had about you.
but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
but my duties are largely ceremonial.
once you people learn to worship me.
I can't do this job without my toys!
but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
about my destructive habits.
to humiliate yourself in public.
laugh nervously and change the
subject.
in the bathroom is considered Multi-Tasking.
with instructions on the heel.
and hit every branch on the way down.
it would die of isolation.
written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists,
and DOCTORS at two major hospitals!
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped
and cut and handed to the pediatrician,
who breathed and cried immediately.
that he is circus sized.
and anorexia for lunch.
of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
able to get this lady pregnant.
She also appears to be depressed.
but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night.
until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
who is still under our car for physical therapy.
father, and pet turtle, who is presently
enrolled in day care three times a week.
and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
reactive to light and accommodation.
except for the right foot.
she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.
lying in bed with his family in no distress.
However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Dear Abby DEAR ABBY:
I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
I am a 23-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It is getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Our son writes that he is taking "Judo." Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own like that?
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
-- CURIOUS
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for 2 1/2 years. He must be crazy!
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
I met this nice guy who was in the service. He is the chief petting officer.
Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago, and he is a doctor!
This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband said, "I will," he knew very well he couldn't.
I have been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he is going out with me just for what he can get?
-- GERTIE
DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting?
My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend. Meanwhile, he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment? He says he is saving for a rainy day.
-- FORTY YEARS HITCHED
DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining!
