Every so often, instead of hurling
a poor soul into the fire, Satan
would
toss them off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times,
the fellow's curiosity
got the better of him.
So he strolled over and
tapped Satan on the
shoulder.
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said.
"I'm waiting in line for
judgment, but I
couldn't help wondering why you are
tossing those
people aside instead of flinging
them into the fires of hell with
the others?"
"Ah," Satan said with a grin.
"They are from Vancouver;
they're too wet to burn."
1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie,
not lines or queues.2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk."
3. You understand the phrase,
"Could you please pass me a serviette,
I just spilled my poutine."4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean:
"Party at the camp, eh!!"8. You don't hold your hand on your breast
when you sing the national anthem.9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
10. You know that francophones, anglophones
and allophones are not electronic devices.11. You talk about the weather
with strangers and friends alike.12. You don't know or care about the fuss
with Cuba; it's just a cheap place
to travel to and has good cigars.13. When there is a social problem,
you turn to your government to fix it
instead of telling them to stay out of it.14. You're not sure if the leader of our nation
has EVER had sex and
don't want to know if he has!15. You get milk in bags as well
as cartons and plastic jugs.16. Pike is a type of fish,
not some part of a highway.17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield
- that is some small town in Quebec!19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
20. You have Canadian Tire money
in your kitchen drawers.21. You know that Thrills are something
to chew and "taste like soap".22. You know that Mounties
"don't always look like that."23. You actually read, rather
than scanned, this list.
Only in Canada ...
can a pizza get to your house
faster than an ambulanceOnly in Canada ...
are there handicap parking places
in front of a skating rinkOnly in Canada ...
do people order a double cheese burger,
large fries, and a DIET CokeOnly in Canada ...
do banks leave both doors open
and then chain the pens to the countersOnly in Canada ...
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and leave useless things
and junk in boxes in the garageOnly in Canada ...
do we use answering machines to
screen calls, and then have call waiting,
so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place.Only in Canada ...
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and buns in packages of eightOnly in Canada ...
do we use the word "politics"
to describe the process so well:
"poli" in Latin meaning "many"
and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"
You know you're from
Northern British Columbia when...- You only own three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup
- You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit
- The mosquitoes have landing lights
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car
- You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat
- You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday
is busier than the toy stores at Christmas
- You live in a house that has no front steps,
yet the door is one metre above the ground
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard
- Driving is better in the winter
because the potholes get filled with snow- You think everyone from the city has an accent
- You think sexy lingerie is tube socks
and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car
- The local paper covers national
and international headlines in 1/4 page
but requires 6 pages for the sports
- At least twice a year, the kitchen
doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof
- You think the start of moose season is a national holiday
- You head south to go to the cottage
- You frequently clean grease off your BBQ
so the bears won't prowl on your deck- You know which leaves make good toilet paper
- The mayor greets you by your first name on the street
- There is only one shopping plaza in town
- The major parish fund-raiser
isn't bingo - it's sausage making- The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus
- You find -40C a little chilly
- The trunk of your car doubles as a freezer
- You attended a formal event in your best clothes,
your finest jewels and your Sorels(winter boots that keep you warm even at -40C!)- You can play road hockey on skates
- You can tell the difference between
a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards
- Shovelling the driveway constitutes
a great upper body workout- You know the 4 seasons -
Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction- You actually "GET" these jokes
and forward them to all your Northern friends
The Canadian Temperature
Conversion Guide
+15° C = Vancouverites try to turn on
the heat. Manitobans plant gardens.+10° C = Victorians shiver uncontrollably.
Winnipeggers sunbathe.+5° C = Italian cars won't start.
Winnipeggers drive with the windows down.Zero° C = Distilled water freezes.
Winnipeg's water gets thicker.-5° C = Torontonians wear coats, gloves &
wool hats. Manitobans throw on a T-shirt.-15° C = Quebecers begin to evacuate
the province. Manitobans go swimming.-20° C = Toronto landlords finally
turn up the heat. Manitobans
have the last cook-out
before it gets cold.-25° C = People in Vancouver cease to exist.
Manitobans lick flagpoles.-30° C = Calgarians fly away to Mexico.
Manitobans throw on a light jacket.-40° C = Hamilton disintegrates.
Manitobans rent some videos.-50° C = Mt. St.Helen's freezes.
Winnipeg Girl Scouts begin
selling cookies door-to-door.-60° C = Polar bears begin to evacuate
the Arctic. Manitoban Boy Scouts
postpone "Winter Survival" classes
until it gets cold enough.-80° C = Santa Claus abandons
the North Pole. Winnipeggers
pull down their earflaps.-100° C = Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Manitobans get frustrated
when they can't thaw the keg.-200° C = Microbial life survives
on dairy products. Manitoba cows
complain of farmers with cold hands.-300° C = ALL atomic motion stops.
Manitobans start saying,
"Cold 'nuff for ya?"-400° C = Hell freezes over.
The Winnipeg Blue Bombers
win the Grey Cup.
Camp Fires in Back AlleyBackground by Lady in Black